Wednesday, 10 February 2010

Giving birth with humour.

I must tell you this funny story which happened at the birth of my second son, twenty years ago. My wife had gone into labour and was in the maternity ward in the hospital. Knowing how long the birth of my first son had taken I advised my wife I was just going over the road to the pub. Well she had her gas and air, I needed my glass of beer. However when I returned four hours later I could hear screams coming from my wife's room. When I entered she had a brown paper bag on her head and was sitting up. Oh I thought, they are playing party games, that's nice. "Where the ?????ing hell have you been"? she said, in a faint voice, which carried to the next room. "Come on, she's not that ugly" I said to the nurse. "She's hyperventilating", said the nurse. "Will it hurt?" I said. "Yes it ???????well does, you idiot!!", that was my wife, not the nurse.
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Monday, 11 January 2010

Who is a silly boy then!

This story is about a silly man that left his own footprints in the snow.

On January 6th, 2010 at 10:08 p.m. Cranston police officers were called to Wentworth Ave. for a possible disturbance. Information was received and relayed to the responding officers that someone there had a gun and shots may have been fired. Upon arriving, officers located a Wentworth Ave resident who told the officers he had gone outside to assist a neighbor who was seeking help. The resident told police a man then came out of the front door of the neighbor’s home and fired at least one shot. No one was injured as a result, and that suspect fled from the area on foot.

Through their initial investigation, officers learned that three men with masks and pistols entered 108 Wentworth Ave. The home was occupied by a couple and their five children. One of the adults was able to get out of the house and sought help from neighbors. The masked men left with cash and other belongings from the home. None of the residents were injured during this incident. One of the masked men left the home and escaped through the rear of the property. Officers were able to follow his tracks through the snow to a garage nearby. The garage was surrounded by officers, and 19 year old Javon Lawson of Rutherglen Ave. Providence was found hiding inside. Lawson was taken into custody by police and a semiautomatic pistol was recovered nearby.

Javon Lawson is being charged with Burglary, First Degree Robbery, Assault with a Deadly Weapon in a Dwelling, Use of a Firearm While Committing a Crime of Violence, License Required to Carry a Pistol. Lawson will be arraigned in District Court today.

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Thursday, 31 December 2009

This is a good excuse

Well this has to be one of the best excuses I know. A Peruvian footballer looks like he might have come up with a completely new one.

Carlos 'Kukin' Flores, a midfield star with Inti Gas Deportes, told police he was being chased by a ghost when he was stopped for running naked through the streets.

Flores, who in the past has admitted to having issues with cocaine, eventually admitted that he had been "engaging with dirty ladies" and that he came up with the ghost line to try and hide the truth from his wife.

Flores said: "I didn't want my wife to be suspicious about ladies so I just told her it was a ghost. She failed to believe me."

The midfielder also denied the incident had anything to do with his previous cocaine problems, he added: "This was nothing like that. I just had a bad day."

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

The racing vicar

A vicar made a mile-long dash to collect wedding rings after a bridesmaid forgot them.

The Rev Chris McQuillen-Wright came to the rescue after groom Chris Smith, 34, arrived at the church and found that bridesmaid Paula Davies had left the pair of gold bands at the home of bride Lucy Rid, 28.

Paula had decided to look after the rings because she thought husband James - the best man - would forget them.

After realising Paula's mistake Mr McQuillen-Wright sprinted across fields to pick up the rings, completing the round trip in just over five minutes.

According to The Sun he said: "I was happy to help. I got a round of applause."

Bride Lucy said: "Thankfully, the vicar got back to the church before I arrived."

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

I dont like jury service

A woman from Birmingham changed her name to Jesus Christ, but things went wrong when she reported for jury service this week.

The woman, previously named Dorothy Lola Killingworth, was sent to Judge Clyde Jones's courtroom for a criminal case Monday.

Court officials told The Birmingham News Tuesday that the 59-year-old was excused because she was disruptive and kept asking questions instead of answering them.

Efforts to reach Christ for comment were unsuccessful.

Court administrator Sandra Turner said people there were shocked when the woman insisted her name was Jesus Christ and some potential jurors laughed out loud when her name was called.

But Turner said unlike some Jefferson County residents, Christ didn't try to get out of jury duty and was "perfectly happy to serve."

Monday, 30 November 2009

Milk came to the front door

This is not what you would expect in a usually quiet housing estate. A herd of escaped cows rampaging though your property.

Paul Toon, 50, said: ''It was very scary. I heard a rumbling sound like thunder then suddenly a wall of black and white came charging past the house.

''They seemed almost organised. They went from one garden to the next ripping up flowers and even looking in the front windows.

''It was like something off the Cravendale milk advert.''

One resident said: ''The cows dented my new Audi which will cost hundreds to repair. They came out of nowhere. Luckily no one was hurt.''

The cows escaped just after 9am on Wednesday morning from a field near Nuneaton, Warks.

They managed to cross the busy A5 road at rush hour and walk a further half-a-mile to the upmarket St Nicholas Park Estate.

Residents and police managed to herd the cows onto a grass patch before they were taken back to the farmer.

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Monday, 8 June 2009

Monkey business

Do monkey's laugh? Well its hard to tell I know, but in fact they do. So they tickled them.

That's how researchers made a variety of apes and some human babies laugh. After analyzing the sounds, they concluded that people and great apes inherited laughter from a shared ancestor that lived more than 10 million years ago.
Experts praised the work. It gives very strong evidence that ape and human laughter are related through evolution, said Frans de Waal of the Yerkes National Primate Research Center at Emory University in Atlanta.
As far back as Charles Darwin, scientists have noted that apes make characteristic sounds during play or while being tickled, apparently to signal that they're interested in playing.
It's been suggested before that human laughter grew out of primate roots. But ape laughter doesn't sound like the human version. It may be rapid panting, or slower noisy breathing or a short series of grunts.
So what does that have to do with the human ha-ha?
To investigate that, Marina Davila Ross of the University of Portsmouth in England and colleagues carried out a detailed analysis of the sounds evoked by tickling three human babies and 21 orangutans, gorillas, chimps and bonobos.
After measuring 11 traits in the sound from each species, they mapped out how these sounds appeared to be related to each other. The result looked like a family tree. Significantly, that tree matched the way the species themselves are related, the scientists reported online Thursday in the journal Current Biology.
They also concluded that while human laughter sounds much different from the ape versions, its distinctive features could well have arisen from shared ancestral traits.
Jaak Panksepp of Washington State University, who studies laughter-like responses in animals but didn't participate in the new work, called the paper exciting.
It's the first formal study of how chimps and other apes respond to tickling, a highly detailed examination that compares an unusually wide range of species to humans, he said.
Panksepp's own work concludes that even rats produce a version of laughter in response to play and tickling, with chirps too high-pitched for people to hear. So he believes laughter goes even farther back in the mammalian family tree than the new paper proposes.
Robert Provine, a neuroscientist at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County, who wrote the 2000 book, "Laughter: A Scientific Investigation," said the new paper reveals some important insights, like details of the ape sounds that hadn't been appreciated before

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