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Giving birth with humour.

2010-02-10T01:55:00.000-08:00

I must tell you this funny story which happened at the birth of my second son, twenty years ago. My wife had gone into labour and was in the maternity ward in the hospital. Knowing how long the birth of my first son had taken I advised my wife I was just going over the road to the pub. Well she had her gas and air, I needed my glass of beer. However when I returned four hours later I could hear screams coming from my wife's room. When I entered she had a brown paper bag on her head and was sitting up. Oh I thought, they are playing party games, that's nice. "Where the ?????ing hell have you been"? she said, in a faint voice, which carried to the next room. "Come on, she's not that ugly" I said to the nurse. "She's hyperventilating", said the nurse. "Will it hurt?" I said. "Yes it ???????well does, you idiot!!", that was my wife, not the nurse.
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Who is a silly boy then!

2010-01-11T04:57:00.000-08:00

This story is about a silly man that left his own footprints in the snow.

On January 6th, 2010 at 10:08 p.m. Cranston police officers were called to Wentworth Ave. for a possible disturbance. Information was received and relayed to the responding officers that someone there had a gun and shots may have been fired. Upon arriving, officers located a Wentworth Ave resident who told the officers he had gone outside to assist a neighbor who was seeking help. The resident told police a man then came out of the front door of the neighbor’s home and fired at least one shot. No one was injured as a result, and that suspect fled from the area on foot.

Through their initial investigation, officers learned that three men with masks and pistols entered 108 Wentworth Ave. The home was occupied by a couple and their five children. One of the adults was able to get out of the house and sought help from neighbors. The masked men left with cash and other belongings from the home. None of the residents were injured during this incident. One of the masked men left the home and escaped through the rear of the property. Officers were able to follow his tracks through the snow to a garage nearby. The garage was surrounded by officers, and 19 year old Javon Lawson of Rutherglen Ave. Providence was found hiding inside. Lawson was taken into custody by police and a semiautomatic pistol was recovered nearby.

Javon Lawson is being charged with Burglary, First Degree Robbery, Assault with a Deadly Weapon in a Dwelling, Use of a Firearm While Committing a Crime of Violence, License Required to Carry a Pistol. Lawson will be arraigned in District Court today.

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This is a good excuse

2009-12-31T11:10:00.000-08:00

Well this has to be one of the best excuses I know. A Peruvian footballer looks like he might have come up with a completely new one.
Carlos 'Kukin' Flores, a midfield star with Inti Gas Deportes, told police he was being chased by a ghost when he was stopped for running naked through the streets.
Flores, who in the past has admitted to having issues with cocaine, eventually admitted that he had been "engaging with dirty ladies" and that he came up with the ghost line to try and hide the truth from his wife.
Flores said: "I didn't want my wife to be suspicious about ladies so I just told her it was a ghost. She failed to believe me."
The midfielder also denied the incident had anything to do with his previous cocaine problems, he added: "This was nothing like that. I just had a bad day."

The racing vicar

2009-12-15T11:20:00.000-08:00

A vicar made a mile-long dash to collect wedding rings after a bridesmaid forgot them.

The Rev Chris McQuillen-Wright came to the rescue after groom Chris Smith, 34, arrived at the church and found that bridesmaid Paula Davies had left the pair of gold bands at the home of bride Lucy Rid, 28.

Paula had decided to look after the rings because she thought husband James - the best man - would forget them.

After realising Paula's mistake Mr McQuillen-Wright sprinted across fields to pick up the rings, completing the round trip in just over five minutes.

According to The Sun he said: "I was happy to help. I got a round of applause."

Bride Lucy said: "Thankfully, the vicar got back to the church before I arrived."

I dont like jury service

2009-12-02T06:44:00.000-08:00

A woman from Birmingham changed her name to Jesus Christ, but things went wrong when she reported for jury service this week.

The woman, previously named Dorothy Lola Killingworth, was sent to Judge Clyde Jones's courtroom for a criminal case Monday.

Court officials told The Birmingham News Tuesday that the 59-year-old was excused because she was disruptive and kept asking questions instead of answering them.

Efforts to reach Christ for comment were unsuccessful.

Court administrator Sandra Turner said people there were shocked when the woman insisted her name was Jesus Christ and some potential jurors laughed out loud when her name was called.

But Turner said unlike some Jefferson County residents, Christ didn't try to get out of jury duty and was "perfectly happy to serve."

Milk came to the front door

2009-11-30T05:36:00.000-08:00

This is not what you would expect in a usually quiet housing estate. A herd of escaped cows rampaging though your property.

Paul Toon, 50, said: ''It was very scary. I heard a rumbling sound like thunder then suddenly a wall of black and white came charging past the house.

''They seemed almost organised. They went from one garden to the next ripping up flowers and even looking in the front windows.

''It was like something off the Cravendale milk advert.''

One resident said: ''The cows dented my new Audi which will cost hundreds to repair. They came out of nowhere. Luckily no one was hurt.''

The cows escaped just after 9am on Wednesday morning from a field near Nuneaton, Warks.

They managed to cross the busy A5 road at rush hour and walk a further half-a-mile to the upmarket St Nicholas Park Estate.

Residents and police managed to herd the cows onto a grass patch before they were taken back to the farmer.

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Monkey business

2009-06-08T02:10:00.000-07:00

Do monkey's laugh? Well its hard to tell I know, but in fact they do. So they tickled them.

That's how researchers made a variety of apes and some human babies laugh. After analyzing the sounds, they concluded that people and great apes inherited laughter from a shared ancestor that lived more than 10 million years ago.
Experts praised the work. It gives very strong evidence that ape and human laughter are related through evolution, said Frans de Waal of the Yerkes National Primate Research Center at Emory University in Atlanta.
As far back as Charles Darwin, scientists have noted that apes make characteristic sounds during play or while being tickled, apparently to signal that they're interested in playing.
It's been suggested before that human laughter grew out of primate roots. But ape laughter doesn't sound like the human version. It may be rapid panting, or slower noisy breathing or a short series of grunts.
So what does that have to do with the human ha-ha?
To investigate that, Marina Davila Ross of the University of Portsmouth in England and colleagues carried out a detailed analysis of the sounds evoked by tickling three human babies and 21 orangutans, gorillas, chimps and bonobos.
After measuring 11 traits in the sound from each species, they mapped out how these sounds appeared to be related to each other. The result looked like a family tree. Significantly, that tree matched the way the species themselves are related, the scientists reported online Thursday in the journal Current Biology.
They also concluded that while human laughter sounds much different from the ape versions, its distinctive features could well have arisen from shared ancestral traits.
Jaak Panksepp of Washington State University, who studies laughter-like responses in animals but didn't participate in the new work, called the paper exciting.
It's the first formal study of how chimps and other apes respond to tickling, a highly detailed examination that compares an unusually wide range of species to humans, he said.
Panksepp's own work concludes that even rats produce a version of laughter in response to play and tickling, with chirps too high-pitched for people to hear. So he believes laughter goes even farther back in the mammalian family tree than the new paper proposes.
Robert Provine, a neuroscientist at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County, who wrote the 2000 book, "Laughter: A Scientific Investigation," said the new paper reveals some important insights, like details of the ape sounds that hadn't been appreciated before.

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HELPING OTHERS

2009-05-20T01:25:00.001-07:00

By helping others we can all benefit ourselves. Here are some tips that will help others.
1 Take a handful of tissues with you when you go out. If you sneeze you are prepared to cover your face to stop any infection spreading. Wash your hands as soon as you can, and always after a visit to the toilet.
2 Get up in the morning five minutes early so that you are not rushing. Driving to work in a hurry can course accidents.
3 Smile at people during the day, you just may make them happy.
4 Be polite and respectful,other people too have feelings.
5 Don't skip on breakfast, it is the most important meal of the day.
6 Don't drop litter on the floor, take it home with you. Someone else will have to pick it up.
7 Think positive thoughts to yourself, if you think positive you will be positive.
8 Think of some nice treat you can give to your loved one. Buy them a gift, or organise a night out.

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Deadly spider in Britain

2009-05-19T11:39:00.000-07:00

A deadly spider related to the Black Widow is spreading across Britain because of climate change, experts have warned.

The False Widow, a purple and black creature with a body the size of a 1p piece, is said to carry enough venom to kill a human.
Since arriving in Devon from the Canary Islands, the spider has established colonies in Devon, Dorset and Cornwall.
The spiders do not usually survive in colder parts of the UK, but a series of mild winters have led them to migrate to other areas.Spider recorder David Haigh, of Cheltenham, has reported sightings of the species in Gloucestershire and Wiltshire.
One was in a shed in Tewkesbury and the other was spotted in Longney, he said.
The False Widow is one of 12 arachnid species known to bite humans in the UK.
In January, Lyn Mitchell became critically ill after she was bitten by one of the creatures while in bed at her home in Egremont, west Cumbria.
Ms Mitchell, 52, suffered a serious allergic reaction to the bite and was rushed to hospital.
"I jumped out of bed, pulled the duvet and sheets back and saw a spider running over the other side," she said at the time.
"It was only tiny, black and shiny, and it ran so quickly.
"When I looked down I noticed two little pin marks on my chest."
The False Widow first started to arrive in banana shipments from the Spanish islands about 140 years ago.
Its bite is not deadly but can cause swelling and severe pain.

Oh I hate spiders, Ill never sleep!!

Our changing world

2009-05-19T10:14:00.000-07:00

Hi iv just been on a social networking site and they all have lollipops. How it works as I understand is, you lick their lolly and they lick on yours. Now it don’t know about you, but it’s been a long time since I had a lollipop so Iv forgot what they are like.
I told Agnus and she said I was a f****** idiot, and I need my f******* head seen to. I don’t think you have met Agnus she is very down to earth and loves life. So anyway I tried to lick this chicks lolly and there was a problem I couldn’t do it, I’ve never had problems licking lolly’s before but I just could not do it, so I suppose I will not get any licks back.
Now on to pinging. What the f*** is pinging? Said Agnus. It’s part of promoting your blog, I said. F*** your pinging, it’s a waste of f****** time. Well Agnus, are you having a nice day?. F*** off, and stick your pinging up your f****** a***. Agnus is such a nice lady, she is the best.

http://all-my-bits.blogspot.com

Museum ghost caught on camera

2009-05-19T03:09:00.000-07:00

A ghostly image has been snapped at a museum prompting speculation that the spirit of the English scientist Edward Jenner could be haunting his former home.

A photograph seems to have captured a hazy image of a man sitting on a chair in the attic of the Edward Jenner Museum in Berkeley, Gloucestershire.
The picture was taken by BBC photographer Chris Sandys, who said: "I don't believe in ghosts myself, but this is strange."
Mr Sandys, who was taking images for a story on the museum's new Ghosts In The Attic exhibition, added: "As soon as I'd taken a panoramic photo, I reviewed the image on the camera and straight away noticed this strange formation of light, shaped like a figure, through the doorway in the next room.
"Without moving I did a few takes to try and work out what had caused it but couldn't see anything. It was so weird."
Jenner was the pioneer of smallpox vaccination and the father of immunology. He was born in Berkeley in 1749 where he spent most of his career as a doctor in the town before he died in 1823.
Museum director Sarah Parker said: "There have always been stories of ghosts at the Edward Jenner Museum. We usually take them with a large pinch of salt. We are truly flabbergasted by the image.
"You can basically see through a doorway what looks like a figure reclining in a chair, only there is no chair there. Who knows whether it is Jenner himself?
"We have graffiti from soldiers previously billeted in the attic rooms from the late 19th century and perhaps this is one of them or even one of Jenner's servants."

Say Cheese!

2009-05-18T04:34:00.000-07:00

A dairy farmer who believes a happy cow is a productive cow has discovered an unusual way to relax his herd and increase milk yields – tai chi. Rob Taverner performs the ancient martial art in front of his 100 cows every morning to get them in the right moo-d to produce lots of milk.
The 44-year-old organic farmer visits the animals at 9am each day to run through his ten-minute routine of slow movements and breathing techniques – dressed in his distinctive overalls and wellies.
He said: 'Tai chi is all about leaving your problems behind and getting into a better zone and my mood definitely transfers to the cows.

'Like all animals, they are very receptive to human emotions and can sense feelings such as relaxation, calmness and happiness.
'Some people think what I do is ridiculous but I have some very content cows and I would do anything to keep them that way. As any good dairy farmer will tell you, a happy cow is a productive cow.'Mr Taverner, who runs the farm near Exeter, Devon, with his 41-year-old wife, Helen, and their children Charlie, 16, William, 14 and 12-year-old Katie, said there were many similarities between tai chi and organic farming.
He added: 'Organic farming, just like tai chi, is all about maintaining a balance.
'Being an organic dairy farmer is hard work and I just want to make sure I am as relaxed and focused as possible. I enjoy it.'
Tai chi is a Chinese martial art involving a series of slow, controlled movements which can help developing strength, balance, posture and a feeling of calm.

So how does he know what the cows are thinking? They might be hoping he will sod off!

The Eurovision Long Contest

2009-05-17T05:16:00.000-07:00

It was great to see, and well done to Norway for their song, but oh! doesn't it go on. We knew Norway had won after the first few votes came in. I personally thought the entry from Estonia was the best, it was original, and made me cry, mind you I had just finished a bottle of wine. What about our entry? Well what to you think?

Is you sat-nav taking you the right way?

2009-05-16T08:16:00.000-07:00

An Iranian immigrant kept following his SatNav’s instructions, despite it telling him to drive along a railway line.
Satlegh Mohammedi, 42, was nearly double the drink-drive limit and claimed he was looking for work when he took a wrong turn at a level crossing in his Ford Fiesta.He then drove 20ft along the tracks of the Doncaster to Hull line.Shocked Network Rail workers alerted the police, who found a puzzled Mohammedi standing by his car on the tracks in Goole.Prosecutor Teresa Slater told Goole magistrates: “He told the officers that it was his SatNav that told him to turn right.”Mrs Slater said that after Mohammedi was arrested, he told police: “Driving on the railway lines was an error.“I had listened to the instructions of my SatNav system.”

He told the officers that it was his SatNav that told him to turn right

Prosecutor Teresa Slater
Mohammedi, who receives Jobseeker’s Allowance, had travelled from his home in Chesterfield, Derbyshire, to try to find work in Goole when he ended up on the railway just after midnight.Tests then showed he was almost double the drink-drive limit.Mohammedi admitted endangering life on the railway and drink-driving on February 10.Mrs Slater said the Fiesta was stopped 20ft away from a level crossing on the line.Officers arrested Mohammedi and formed the opinion that he was drunk. He claimed he had drunk two cans of beer two hours previously.

Looking for a job in a prison, was he?

New horse legs for humans

2009-05-15T02:27:00.000-07:00

A Seattle designer has come up with the ultimate gadget for people who would like to be taller and more graceful - horse leg extensions.

Kim Graham's Digtiigrade Leg Extensions add 14 inches of height to the wearer - and she claims a number of famously pint-sized actors and performers already have their names on the two-month waiting list.
The fine art sculptor says the steel extensions are much more than just stilts and insists: "They give a person the uncanny and graceful appearance of an animal."
They're made of steel, cable, foam, and rigid plastic - and, according to Ms Graham, take just 10 to 15 minutes to learn to walk in.
They apparently work well on level surfaces, although sharp inclines are difficult and stairs are downright risky.
The legs cost just £500 a pair - or £665 for spring loaded hooves for those requiring a little extra bounce.

Its extra for the arms and head!!!!

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Teen paints giant penis on parents’ roof

2009-05-14T11:34:00.000-07:00

A teenager who painted a 60ft phallus on the roof of his family’s million-pound mansion got away with the prank for over a year before his parents found out.Student Rory McInnes, 18, climbed onto the flat roof of his parents’ home and daubed the phallic symbol in white paint after watching a TV programme about Google Earth, reports the Daily Telegraph.Rory’s parents, Andy and Clare, didn’t discover their son’s handiwork until a helicopter pilot spotted the oversized organ as he flew over their home near Hungerford, Berkshire.The pilot contacted The Sun who then informed Mr McInnes, who initially thought the he was the victim of a practical joke, reports AFP. He subsequently phoned each of his four children to find the truth.When he spoke to Rory, who is currently in Brazil on a gap year, the teenager simply said “Oh, you’ve found it then”, reports the Telegraph.Luckily, Mr McInnes appeared to take the park in good humour although he told The Sun that “when Rory gets home he will be given a scrubbing brush and white spirit and he can go and scrub it off."The McInnes’ massive rooftop member is an enlarged replica of the most prominent feature of the Cerne Abbas Giant (pictured), an 80ft figure of a naked man carved into the side of a chalk hill in Dorset.

Sainbury's profits are on the up

2009-05-14T05:54:00.000-07:00

More than 120,000 Sainsbury's staff will share a £60m bonus pot after profits rocketed to £543m.
The big payout - £13m more than last year - comes after the supermarket announced underlying profits had surged by 11.3% - more than Tesco and Morrisons.
The UK's third biggest supermarket, which is celebrating its 140th anniversary, said like-for-like sales rose 4.5%, excluding fuel, in the year to March 21.
Sainsbury's hailed its ability to appeal to "savvy" shoppers in the recession as it now sees more than 18 million customers pass through checkouts each week.
But chief executive Justin King told Sky News it had been a "very challenging period for the UK retail industry".
He suggested that the country could now be "bouncing along the bottom" in terms of the recession and appeared hopeful for recovery.
Today's profits came in slightly higher than the £526m expected in the market.
While the growth is less than half the 28% surge seen the previous year, it compares well with the 8.8% hike in annual profits seen at market leader Tesco and the 7% rise at Morrisons.
Sainsbury's has been stealing market share from Tesco as value-conscious consumers shop around for the best deal, with the latest TNS Worldpanel data showing Sainsbury's now accounts for 16.3% of the sector.
Its Jamie Oliver-led Feed Your Family For A Fiver campaign has been well received by shoppers, while sales of its basics range have soared - up more than 60% year on year in the final quarter.
Mr King said: "Our universal customer appeal and continued investment in price and quality have been fundamental to our growth, catering for a range of changing customer needs and trends.
"Over the past 12 months consumers have become increasingly 'savvy' and have responded to rises in the cost of living by making significant changes to the mix of products they buy.
"There's one or two companies doing well like us - it might be the that we (the economy) is bouncing along the bottom."
The group's product range has provided customers with the option to "change what they buy, rather than where they shop", he added.

Thousands of bees swarm across park

2009-05-13T11:15:00.000-07:00

A swarm of up to 25,000 bees is on the loose in a country park, visitors have been warned.
Visitors to Hartsholme Country Park in Lincoln are being urged to steer clear of the swarm by the city's council.
Norman Staley-Brookes, a specialist in dealing with bees, has now been called in by the authority to help contain them.
A spokeswoman for Lincoln City Council said: "It happens from time to time, especially at this time of year.
"It's a natural occurrence. It happens when a new queen bee develops and the current queen takes her swarm with her to another hive.
"We advise people not to go anywhere near the swarm."

Lets let them loose on the house of commons!!

Minister to repay £41,709 expenses

2009-05-13T02:34:00.000-07:00

Minister to repay £41,709 expenses
pa.press.net
Health minister Phil Hope is to hand back £41,709 in taxpayer-funded MPs expenses.
The money was claimed for furniture, fittings and other items for his second home.
"The anger of my constituents and the damage done to perceptions of my integrity concerning the money I have received to make my London accommodation habitable has been a massive blow to me that I cannot allow to continue," he said.
His decision came after it was announced that more than a million expenses claims by MPs over the past four years are to be scrutinised independently in a desperate bid to restore public trust in politics.
Mr Hope, the Labour MP for Corby and East Northants, insisted that all his claims were within Commons rules but that he needed to repay the money "to try to restore the trust and relationships I have with my constituents".

Do these ministers pay for anything? What about toilet rolls? Haircut Sir? and what about Council Tax. He can pay mine if he wants!!!!

2.2 million now out of work

2009-05-12T10:21:00.000-07:00

The number of people out of work in the UK rose 244,000 to 2.22 million in the first three months of 2009, the Office for National Statistics (ONS) said.
The jobless rate rose from 6.7% to 7.1%. Unemployment benefit claimants in April rose 57,100 to 1.51 million.
The quarterly rises in the jobless rate and number were the biggest since 1981.

So everythings going to be ok, says Gordon Brown, perhaps we should add him to the the total, and all his other ministers.

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Outrage at members of parliament

2009-05-11T13:27:00.000-07:00

What are we to do with Gordon Brown?

What are we to do with all the other MPs?

Sack them all thats what I say, and lets get someone in who is interested in the country, and not themselves!!

We are sick of MPs